


Where Stiles has a crazy amount of magic.

by Ritiri



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 17:10:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6123716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ritiri/pseuds/Ritiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Stiles's grandmother is an Indian witch, and he's so badass, that to him, alpha pack is more like a pack o' alpacas? Eh, whatever. Alpacas are more dangerous. They spit in your face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Stiles has a crazy amount of magic.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is.

"This is private property."

"Oh my god! SCOTT! This is him! This is the future father of my babies! Although I don't have a womb at the moment, but there's gotta be something in Nana's spell book that makes it possible for me to have ass babies. I will literally have ass babies if Mister Lumberjack Murderbrows fathered them!"

"Stiles. Bro. I don't think that truth spell has worn off yet.."

"What the hell are you two idiots talking about?" Derek said, mainly looking at Stiles and taking a few steps back, like he might be a rabid animal.

"Oh yeah. I'll bring you upto speed dude. Name's Stiles. Well, actually it's Vishisht. Means quirky or a special style. That's why Stiles. Mom's side of the family is Indian. And you have no idea how much I hate people knowing my real name, but now both of you know, which sucks donkey balls, but moving on. Scottie here had asthma. He had a really bad attack when he was 8 and Nana had an alpha turn him to save him. But I mask his scent, because he's my best bro and I don't want werewolves coming around sniffing his butt and issuing challenges. Yesterday, I felt a pull to the woods. Like someone needed help. I get those sometimes, because I'm Harry Potter or something. So I called Scott to act as my guard dog. We got here in time to save your sister. She's at Casa Stilinski. We were looking for you actually."

"Bro. Your body can't possibly have anymore oxygen left after that. How are you not dead?" Scott looked genuinely concerned.

"We-shit-cyst?" Derek mumbled.

"HEY! I heard that! Bad wolf! No treats for you. It's Vishisht. Means I'm an extra special snowflake."

"And if you don't want to find yourself growing a snout instead of sideburns, you'll forget my real name, right now."

Derek really wasn't listening. He'd come here, sure that Laura had died. One moment, he could feel his sister, and the very next, she was gone. But now that he knew what to look for, he could feel that the pack bond wasn't absent. It was cloaked, but still there. His sister was okay. If he'd been alone, he would have cried with relief. But right now, he had a werewolf that he would have thought was high on good ol' joints, if he didn't know that it had no effect on shifters, and a witch that seemed to have the mystical power of talking people to death. 

"Okay Derry bear, let's take you to your big sister. You look like you could use a drink. Not alcohol. Maybe milk and cookies would help? I've got a new batch of double chocolate mint cookies. The mint goes surprisingly well with milk! I thought it would taste toothpastey, y'know. But it's good."

"Derr...y bear?" Scott looked truly worried for his friend's sanity, but Stiles was oblivious to his friend's concerns and continued dragging Derek to his jeep. 

Before Derek could get a word in edgewise, Stiles parked the jeep in the driveway of a cottage near the preserve. Derek guessed that the backyard probably led into the woods. The house smelt like baking and pine and most distinctly, petrichor. The smell of rain after a long, dry summer, as it dampened the earth and made everything greener. 

Derek also knew that petrichor was the smell of magic, specifically, nature magic. Usually, the scent and feel of magic would make Derek's hackles rise, claws beginning to descend. But this was different. This home felt like it was an extension of the forest, and his wolf felt settled, like it did after resting in a warm nook after a long run.

The door opened and Laura ran out to cling to her brother, and Derek clinged to her like he used to when he was but a pup. Too young to follow scents, he had once gotten lost in the woods. He'd howled and whined, crying fitfully, scared that he wouldn't be able to find his way back home. But Laura had tracked him down. She'd picked him up, and he'd complained unconvincingly that he was too big to be carried, but he'd quieted down when Laura had tucked his face into her neck, and told him it was okay to be scared. She'd been scared too when she'd realized he'd wandered off. When they got back, his mother had kissed his hair and looked on in amusement, leaving the lecturing to Laura, who had done a surprisingly good job of it for an 8 year old. After Derek had been properly chastised, they'd watched spiderman reruns all day, loudly proclaiming every once in a while how much more badass Mommy was than spiderman. Talia would turn Doctor Octopus into sushi and have him for lunch!

They finally let go of each other when they heard the click of a camera. Stiles was standing there with his phone, not looking remorseful in the least at having been caught.

"You two are the cutest. I'm keeping you." He cooed.

Laura, to Derek's surprise, just chuckled and patted Stiles on the head, before ordering everyone to get in. Lunch wasn't going to eat itself.

.......XxXxXxXxX...................................

They'd dealt with Peter by bitchslapping him to sanity. Well, there had been cleansing rituals and yagyas, but Derek liked the bitchslapping part best.

When Kate Argent had strolled back into town months down the line and cornered Derek in the department store, she found herself gaining 50 pounds everyday. Stiles had ended the spell after two weeks, but only after making sure that Kate was so fat, that she couldn't even get up from the couch, and also, no amount of exercising would ever get rid of the weight. It might not have been enough punishment for what she'd done to the Hales, but the only way to truly get even with her would be to burn her family alive. Which was really not possible, because they weren't sick fucks like Argent. But hey, if she had a heart attack, then it was what it was.

Gerard had shown up next, only to find himself transformed into a rat. They'd left him in the sewers.

The Alpha pack were next. They'd attacked Scott and ripped his stomach apart. Scott had stuffed his entrails back inside his body, and screamed," O' Supreme Overlord Stiles! Save me from these meanies. They are being cockroach penises to me." The alpha pack looked at Scott like he was on crack, and Scott shrugged in apology.

"Sorry guys. He insisted on this exact code. He wouldn't agree to anything else." Scott said. Before the alphas could ask him what he meant, a kid wearing a pink flannel shirt, with a Reese's peanut buttercup sticking out from between his mouth, showed up. 

"Eat shit, you assholes." He said with a smirk, as he munched down on his candy.

Kali moved towards him, but in the next moment, she found that she'd been transformed. She was white, and smooth, and........ceramic. She tried to open her mouth, only to hear the sound of gushing water. No wait, more like flushing water. She was a toilet. She was literally a toilet, in a bathroom stall with suspicious red and brown stains. Similar flushing noises could be heard from the adjacent stalls, informing her of the fate of her comrades. She soon stopped being able to flush on her own, and lived out her days eating shit, literally.

Similar fates were met by any who dared to attack the Beacon Hills pack.

Stiles magic wasn't completely vengeful though. Derek would find flowers blossoming everywhere he went, sometimes even on concrete. When he confronted Stiles about it, he'd looked bashful and admitted that he couldn't control it. His magic wanted Derek to be happy. Derek had angrily asked him out the next day, because did everything angrily. Seriously, you should see him brush his teeth. Derek was also very surprised when the money plant in his loft started growing delicious mangoes, 10 everyday. It should be noted that Derek loved mangoes.

They went on many dates. And they kissed  until their lips felt swollen and numb. They cuddled, and spooned, and when they finally made love, a nightingale appeared on their window sill, singing a song to them in their afterglow. 

And as for the ass babies that Stiles had said he wanted the first time he saw Derek, let's just say he regrets it. But not enough to not have three children, two little werewolf pups and one with the power of Stiles's bloodline. One time Derek cried to feed him mashed carrots. Baby no. 3 hated carrots. So naturally, Derek found himself growing bunny teeth and a strong craving for carrots. He literally ate only carrots for 3 days. The teeth went back to normal, but from certain angles, they still look like bunny teeth.


End file.
